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A pathetic excuse for a friendThat is what I am, and I'm embarassed to admit it.
One of my longtime friends has severe asthma. We work in a building where the air quality is poor on the best of days, and it's certainly contributing to her frequent asthma attacks. She had an asthma attack today that was so bad that we had to call 911. Also called her hubby, and he came right over.
I'm feeling like a pathetic excuse for a friend because I'm envious. Envious that she has someone in her life that would drop everything and rush to her side. Along with feeling like a heel, I'm also wondering if perhaps this isn't part of why I began Domming in the first place. An effort to control my environment, and a way to find that kind of devotion.
It's not what I really want though. It's time I started admitting that to myself and to whatever type of man I end up dating. I don't mind topping, but I don't have the energy it takes to really be someone's Mistress. I love bottoming, but I have trust issues so I can't give up control to anyone right now.
I've had quite enough of trying to find someone online, though. There's a local group here that used to be fairly active. I've never been to any of their activities, but perhaps it's time to start. There's a first time for everything, and I guess this could be mine.
07-11-2006 10:56:42PM - Permalink - Comment [2]
Broken radarI'm convinced my radar for finding a quality partner (let alone a quality submissive) is broken. This time is no exception to that rule. I finally gave in and decided to go ahead and pursue things with m...things were going well...and then I caught him in a lie.
It's not a small lie. It's a pretty big one, and I'm absolutely certain he lied to me. Now how can I trust him if I know he lied to me about this huge thing? I can't. I just can't. I called him on it, told him I knew he'd lied and why, and he said, "They're wrong." Well, they're not. The person who told me he was lying doesn't even know that he and I know each other...she was doing me a favor and checking on something for me (for him) and this came out.
I think maybe it's time for a break, to just not have anyone and just figure out what the heck it is that I really want. sigh I know what I want. I want b to change his mind and come back. That's not going to happen. I miss him so much, and I wish I could just freakin' get him out of my head. I miss all the ordinary stuff, like just hanging out and watching movies in bed and stuff like that. And of course I miss the sex...and I miss not getting to do some of the things we'd talked about doing. I miss singing with him, and having him sing to me at the end of the day.
I have to just put that right out of my head. I'm not doing myself any favors by thinking about it.
And to top it all off, I have a stalker. It's really making me feel unsafe, and I hate that. I'm already struggling with invasion of privacy issues with my mom, and now this...there's nowhere that's completely safe to be. And I struggle to be toppy enough when I'm not feeling safe. I find that hard.
sigh
07-03-2006 03:50:13AM - Permalink - Comment [0]
Now I remember whyNow I remember why I refuse to try to have a relationship with anyone who lives more than an hour away.
M called me earlier and I was out driving with my daughter (she just got her learner's permit)...so I called him back when I got home and he was uncommunicative. I asked him what was wrong...he said, "I want you to come out here and see me." I explained why I couldn't, I added that I thought I could tomorrow, and then he got very silent...and hung up on me! WTF??? So I took a nap instead. The phone rang at about 10...it was him...rang twice and then hung up...so I called him back. No answer. Left a message. About 20 minutes later he called back. He's still being silent, so I asked him if he wanted me to let him go so he could sleep and he hung up on me again.
Once, I would not have a problem with. Twice, now I am pretty mad. How am I supposed to figure out what's wrong when he won't talk to me? And you know what? I'm not going to worry about it. I picked him to spend time with partly because he has kids of his own and I thought perhaps he might understand the fact that I can't leave mine here alone right now. But I guess not. Whatever. Dismissed. NEXT.
06-24-2006 02:37:05AM - Permalink - Comment [0]
FloodingI got to work this morning after a night of thunderstorms and the whole building smells like wet dog. There's water in the boss' office, there's water in another room where the ceiling actually fell in, and there was 40 gallons of water in the basement. Oh, and a nice little waterfall cascading down the back stairs. And the newspaper said last week, "They don't need a new building." Nah. Just a gigantic umbrella, doncha know?
But, the rain kinda fits my mood, I think. The experiment of me subbing to d just isn't working. I am not a follower and the rules just piss me off. I like the physical sensations, and I probably wouldn't mind bottoming to him (or to someone else) but I don't trust ANYONE enough to give them control over any part of my life for more than say...20 minutes or so.
So my thought is that for now, I'm done looking. I miss b way more than I'd ever admit to him or to anyone, and I can't start anything with anyone else while my heart isn't done with him yet. I like m a lot, but he's a handful and he lives too far away for it to work well. I am just not a long distance girlie, yanno?
But...I got to talk to t last night, and that was way cool. He's overseas, and earlier yesterday (the day before? I get confused by the time difference) he downloaded the version of our mutual messenger that has the call feature. It was way cool to hear his voice again. Damn him for being so far away.
Do any of you ever get tired of masturbating? I have found myself growing maybe not so much tired of it...but it just isn't as fun as it used to be. I miss sex with a warm body; battery operated boyfriends just can't kiss very well.
06-22-2006 10:32:52PM - Permalink - Comment [0]
Still scared, and where is my head?This is not good. This is just not good. In the past two weeks, no less than three times has a submissive man said to me, "I wonder what it would take to dominate you." According to d, I am giving off a submissive vibe, whatever the heck that is. Is it any wonder? I'm feeling pretty much like I'm in a war zone...I can't leave my teenage children home alone for fear that my mother will come over and harm one of them. I jump at the smallest noise. I can't sleep more than an hour at a time. I wish so much there was just...some resolution or someone to lean on or something...anything...to make me feel better.
I can't control anyone else, because I can't control myself. I can't let anyone else control me because I am too afraid. I am going back to the therapist on Wednesday, because I'm scared. I can't imagine my life without D/s in some form, but maybe that's where I'm headed.
On a more humorous note, m got IM'd by another Mistress he'd been chatting with prior to meeting me. She told him that I am not a real Domme because I didn't take complete control of him from the first conversation. Um...'scuse me, but she didn't either, does that make her not real? Just because I wanted to make sure that I really wanted him, and that he wanted me, before I took control? Just because I didn't make him strip naked when he walked in the door? I live in a middle class neighborhood in a really small town, fer gosh sakes! And my neighbors all know my parents...and how cool would THAT be to be outed by one of your neighbors? Oh how fun. So...I took control at that instant and told m he was now forbidden to talk to her at all. See how she likes that. She's just jealous because he wanted me and not her.
06-18-2006 09:12:07PM - Permalink - Comment [0]